Talking about sex can seem hard if you haven’t talked about it before, but it doesn’t need to be difficult to talk about it, and it only gets easier with practice.

Everyone feels comfortable with different things when it comes to sex. Communication is a really important part of any healthy relationship, sexual or not. Saying, “Can we try …” or, “That doesn’t feel good to me,” or, “I don’t feel comfortable with ____, can we ____ instead?” can actually make your relationship better. Talking about what you do and don’t feel comfortable with (and like or don’t like) is a chance for you to be honest with each other and become closer. So speak up!

Generally, you should try to talk with your boyfriend/girlfriend about sex and what you would like when you’re both comfortable and thinking clearly. This means before you start fooling around, so you don’t get caught up in the heat of the moment.

If you’re afraid to hurt their feelings, try to be gentle. Try starting with a compliment (“I really like it when you ____. Can we do more of that and less of _____?”) Be respectful of their needs, too. They have the right to decide whether they feel comfortable doing what you want, and you should respect their wishes just as they should respect yours.

If they want to do something that you don’t want to do, suggest something else you would rather do instead. You never have to have sex that you don’t want to have. And you can change your mind anytime — even if you’ve already had sex or done sexual things with this or any other partner. If you tell them that you don’t want to have sex and they’re not supportive or understanding, that’s not okay.