Saying yes, saying no: consent

Consent means saying "yes." And meaning it. That might seem really simple and straightforward, but in real life it's not always that easy. If there's any doubt, it's probably not consensual. And when there's doubt, it's not okay to continue with sex.

Consent is...

• Freely given — no pressure, no manipulation, and no asking if it was ok to do halfway through or after the fact.
• Informed — telling them about any STDs they should know about, being honest about using condoms and birth control, and being honest about whether you're sexually active with other people.
• Something you can take back — it's ok to stop or change your mind at any time. Saying "yes" once doesn't mean saying "yes" forever, or "yes" to other sexual activities.
• Enthusiastic — being excited about it, not just letting it happen.

When people think about consent, "no means no" often comes to mind. But saying "yes" is really important, too. A straight-up "yes!" means that no one has to guess or assume anything, and you'll know they're really into it.

How do I give consent?

The easiest way to give consent is to say “yes.” Silence is not consent. Saying “I don’t know” is not consent. Even in a long-term relationship, you should still say “yes” to what you want to do, and feel comfortable saying “no” to what you don’t. Every single time.

Sometimes in long-term relationships where people know each other very well, they find ways to consent with body language instead of words. Still, “no means no” always applies. Even in these situations, you should check in from time to time to make sure that everything you’re doing is wanted.
Some key consent phrases:

• Yes!
• I like...

That feels good.

How do I ask for consent?

The only way to know if you have consent is if the person you are with is enthusiastically saying “yes” in a way that is totally clear to you. Not sure? Ask. Don’t get a “yes?" STOP!

It’s not enough to get consent just once — you need consent every time. Everyone has the right to say “no” to anything at any time, regardless of what they’ve done in the past. Also, remember that everyone also has the right to change their mind — so if someone says, “Stop” you need to stop.

It isn’t one person’s job to make sure that they have consent — it’s everyone’s job. So whether you have consent is an important question for each person to ask themselves before they have sex.

Consent doesn’t need to kill the mood. In fact, giving consent is actually super sexy. It can be your way of showing that you’re really into your partner and what you’re both doing. Asking can be hot, too. You can say, “Would it feel good to you if I ___?” “Do you want to try___?” This way you’re not only asking for consent, but you’re also talking about what you both like, which is very important for a healthy relationship.

There are laws that say some people can’t consent to sexual activities at all. This includes people who are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, mentally disabled, and/or under the legal age to be able to consent (this age varies by state).