Before you have sex, you need to make sure you are protecting your health by deciding about using condoms (to protect you from HIV infection and other STIs) and/or contraceptives (to protect you from unintended pregnancy). Talking to anyone you might have sex with about protecting yourselves from STDs and unplanned pregnancy is one of the most important things you can do to protect your sexual health.

It’s okay if the idea of talking about condoms and birth control makes you nervous. If you feel nervous, your partner probably is nervous, too. You can practice what you’re going to say beforehand. Then, choose the right time to talk.

Remember that if you have vaginal sex, it’s really important to use both a condom and another form of birth control (like the pill or the IUD). Using a condom is good, but using another form of birth control with a condom is better. For anal sex, make sure you use a condom and lubricant. For oral sex, use a condom. Using all this stuff is sometimes called “safer sex,” since you’re reducing your risk of pregnancy and STDs.

Tips for talking about safer sex and birth control
 

DO

• Wait for a time when you’re relaxed and have few distractions, if possible.
• Make eye contact! It will help you convey your message.
• Use “I” statements — like, “I want us to protect each other,” instead of, “You need to get on birth control.”
• Remind them that using condoms and birth control benefits BOTH people.
• Be straightforward. State clearly, with words, that you want to use birth control and condoms if you’re going to have sex. No protection? No sex.
• Tell them that using protection will allow both of you to enjoy sex more, since neither of you will have to be worrying about STDs or unplanned pregnancy.
• Use positive language. For example: “I want to talk with you about this because I care about you.”
• Try to make sure that the conversation is two-sided — so listen and speak. Try to understand them and ask them questions.
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Work together to get the protection you need. This means talking about how to get condoms and another form of birth control and who’s going to pay for it, both now and in the future.

DON’T

• Start the conversation when you’re about to have sex — that can get awkward. Talk about it way before you have sex, so you can make sure you’re doing all you can for protection (like going to the doctor and getting a really effective birth control method).
• Assume they don’t like condoms. There’s a lot of talk out there about people not wanting to use condoms, but actually most people do. Chances are they’ve thought about it. You being into it might make them more comfortable saying that they’re into it too.
• Be judgmental, aggressive, or controlling.
• Assume that using condoms means they’re cheating on you. People use condoms because they care about themselves and each other. There are also lots of different kinds of condoms to try.

If your partner refuses to use condoms or birth control, then they aren’t showing respect for you or your health. This is a form of sexual abuse called reproductive control.